How to Stop Beating Yourself Up – Self-Compassion and Self-Esteem – The Friend Advice Technique

Most of us talk to ourselves—narrating our successes and failures—all day. This streaming commentary, which cognitive-behavioral therapists call “self-talk,” is usually internal and automatic—we’re often not aware that it’s going on at all.

When you spill your coffee, do you declare yourself a slob who ruins everything, or do you laugh it off? When a friend compliments your dress, do you think, “I feel great in this!” or wonder if she’s implying that your clothes are usually frumpy? The first step to changing how you view yourself is to listen to how you talk to yourself.Here are some irrational thought patterns common in negative self-talk:
Catastrophizing—Predicting negative outcomes while ignoring other possibilities.
Black and white thinking—Seeing things (including yourself) as all good or all bad, rather than somewhere in the middle.
Mind readingAssuming that you know what others are thinking.
Emotional reasoning—Believing something is true because you feel like it is, without having any real evidence.For example, if you declare yourself a terrible mother when you lose your cool and snap at your child, encourage yourself to think again. Instead of branding yourself terrible, recognize that you must have been really frustrated. Then frame the incident as an opportunity to teach your child, and remind yourself about the importance of taking time to care for yourself when things heat up.